A farmer finds his co-worker standing out in a field one day. He thinks little of it until many hours later when the farmer is still standing in the field. So finally, he goes out there and asks the other farmer, "Why are you standing out here?"
The other farmer says, "I'm trying to win a Pulitzer."
His co-worker asks, "How do you expect to win it standing out here?"
The farmer replies, "Well, they said that everybody who wins one was outstanding in their field."

...ugh.
Okay, here.

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from the bed. She searched the house and finally found him in the basement, curled up in the corner, crying his heart out.
"Honey, what's wrong?" She asked, concerned.
The husband wiped his eyes and replied, "Remember twenty years ago when your father told me if I didn't marry you, he'd have me thrown in prison?"
"Uh-huh."
"Well tonight's the night I would have been released!"