Help!

To make a very long story short: I was with this guy off-and-on for a good 3 years and finally I let him go because I didn't want to get too attached before seeing what else was out there. So after a lot of playing back and forth, he's over me and I'm still in love with him. He's changed a lot (not just my opinion, but the opinion of others, too!) but that doesn't seem to hinder me unless I go and talk to him... which I don't. Anyway, the problem here is that I work with the boy and now he's with this girl whom we all hate just because she's "easy." I know he's a total asshole now and everyone tells me to forget about it but it's hard when you love someone to just stop loving them! So here's where the "help" part comes in:

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over someone (short of finding someone new, since I want to take my time being single)? I just don't know what to do. I try to keep positive but lately it's not working even more than usual. Well, thanks for letting me get that off my chest, at any rate.

P.S.-In case any of you are wondering why I came here to ask this, first of all I know there are a lot of wise people on here and second of all, none of you know me so your opinions aren't biased. OK, this time I'm really done!

Well, what a request. :o

The short reply would be that you don't ever get over someone you think you truly love. I say "think" because while you think you still love this guy, you will never get over him.

The long answer, other than to advise seeking whatever counselling is available to you to get you to accept that you still "think" you love the heel and yet to move on to pastures new, is find some way of seeing him as well beneath your standards, that your affection for him is an aberration and that you're now much better off without him or anyone else like him.

Of course, finding someone much better than him and making sure he sees how much happier you are with someone else is perfect, cold and sweet revenge. It might help you decide also whether the single life really is for you.

Hope this helps,
BoaB

Thank you, that does help me!

Stay busy doing things that really matter to you. I admire that you want to be single for a while. It can help you find out what you really want. A casual date here and there is a good thing, too. And listen to BoaB. He hates praise but he is one of the wise ones.

(wise-ass that is)

J/K


__________________________


True love is forever.

While we are on the subject of love, I've got a question.

Can you truly love someone even if that person doesen't feel the same way about you?

Just curious to your opnions, because I think I'm in that situation.

Well, I think you can love someone even if they don't return the feeling. You don't need someone else's emotions to be sure of your own, know what I mean?

The keeping busy advice is good, it's just that whatever I do reminds me of him! I'm just going to keep trying... Oh look, a smiley that fits my mood right now!

That one's a no-brainer, Shane G. Of course you can!

Herein is the beginning of heartache occasioned by heartbreak.

I was just wondering, because I've been told that you can't.

One of the problems is the definition of "love". Sexual attraction or infatuation is a part of it--the part that you have to deal with when you're young. Hell yes you can and will be infatuated with someone who doesn't like you. We all go thru that as teenagers. It's part of the learning process. A more complete love comes with becoming also a "friend" to that person you are infatuated with (and the feelings are mutual, of course, which obviously takes time). Now it sounds like IntheFlesh is kind of at this point, which does make it harder, BUT do not confuse painwith love, and now that ITF knows that this guy is an "A-hole" it should help to defuse the feeling of "love". I know it's tough, but make sure you don't end up attached to an abusive jerk.

Good advice, Stratman.

ITF, have you told him you still love him? Let him know how you feel and tell him you may not feel this way in a month or two when his new girl dumps him or when he is sick of her. Tell him you want to make it work but you can't just wait around until he realizes what he's lost. Three years is a considerable investment. If it's really over for him ,well, that just means there is someone else for you who you don't even know yet. But you'll find him. Your ex may be the one regretting later.

Agreed, I see love as a word that gets thrwon around too much.

Love is a word that can only be used if you can't imagine life without that person, this can apply to friends. I love my friends and family but there is no sexual attraction there yet its still love.

cheers

Good point, Sydney. The Greeks had many different words for love--"agape" (pronounced "a-GAH-pay") referred to the kind of spiritual love you describe. I think, actually, that we're too reluctant to use the word love--because it's been mixed up with lust. So to say you love your friend will be taken completely the wrong way. It's a very strange thing, I think.

To people whose first languages are other than English, do you find a similar problem in your native language?

Sorry to derail this thread, ITF; I hope you don't mind. I think the others are better suited to advise you than I am, from the sound of it...I wish I could advise you, but I don't really know how.

What do you think of this?

Boys play at love because what they want is sex; girls play at sex because what they want is love

I just want to thank everyone here for all their advice and help, you're all very supportive! A lot of good questions have been raised and I'm glad I've got some other things to consider now. I'll be all right, it just seems like it's taking forever to heal. Every few months it flares up again and I feel like I'm losing my mind! Well anyway, thanks again!