Dear Pearly

I seem to be addicted to this website. It is supposed to be all about my favorite band, but rarely is. I hate 90% of the people that post there, and do not enjoy myself, yet continue to visit it on a regular basis. What should I do?

Dear Pearly,

In response to the letter that was sent in by one Not Now John (the man who couldn't ignore the website he didn't like)-- I say he should take up a hobby, perhaps knitting. I know it's done wonders for the social life of my little wife Jane, who is now all a-buzz with the excitement her craft has brought her. And if that doesn't work, NNJ-- Have you considered cross-stitch or crochet?

Needlepoint. Try needlepoint.

Dear Pearly,

Since my last letter I have recieved two rude posts on said website. I wish those two feckers would die. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Amish in PA

Dear Amish,

**** off. And take up needlepoint.

Yes. Needlepoint is the nearest thing to a self-performed lobotomy, which you clearly need, Mr. Amish in PA

Dear Pearly,

It is obvious I am not wanted at said website. I have decided to do one of two things. Kill myself or post plenty of useless posts that annoy others while fruitlessly try to make it appear as if I am smart. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Gerald's #1 Fan

Dear #1 Fan,

I suggest the former. The latter just gets half-assed 'Dear Pearly' letters written in a hasty form barely approaching wit.

Dear Pearly,

My heart is breaking, my secret gay lover just publicly insulted me on that website. I think it is over between us. Should I disclose to the internet public that his penis is only 2 inches and he has a knack for smelling men's armpits?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken on the web

Dear Heartbroken,

I'd hardly call that an insult. In any case, according to recent medical studies, most penises aren't anywhere near two inches thick.

Dear Pearly,


I have noticed recently that someone other than you have been answering my letters. I am afraid that this person is impersonating you because he wisdhes he was a woman. He also has a thing for shiztus.

Sincerely,
I'm tired of making up names

Dear Tired,

This is one of my many interns. He and the other interns work long hours in return for gratuitous sexual favors from myself and my staff of buxom women. You may wonder why I have brought on interns when all I ever get are your stupid-ass letters day after day. The answer is that all my first-draft replies end up being rants about various painful ways in which I wish for you to die; the interns cleverly hide these feelings behind a wash of feigned sympathy and caring.

dear pearly,

how can i go about having not now john killed?

*Sigh* What a wonderful thread to wake up to. Can you guys just tone it down just a wee bit. It's a bit crude for the pg-13 audience.

Says you with a load of trash talk in your sig.