A poem/song that I have written.

Cold November

i awoke this morning, at a time i dont remember,
outside the rain was pouring, another cold november,
the hearts so cold, left it with the soul,
the mind so bold, now there's something i can control.

I'll live my life, with just this body and this mind,
I'll live it right, crawl inside this shell and unwind,
I'll live alone, no sense stirring up emotions,
I'll live at sea, drifting across the oceans.

Leave everything at home, and run away from nothing,
all of the love I've given and shown, has all been for something,
I've left a mark on all their souls, a little something to remember,
days that past, my dreams and goals, another cold november.

A darkness rose and the waters changed, there's a storm ahead,
I grab the sail neurotic and derranged, it's time for bed,
the solitude broke me, and sent me back to my soul,
my heart left dying and free, called me back to play my role.

my heart and soul, lay cold in my room,
rejoin them and become whole, assume my usual gloom,
she's so cold I wished she could see, all the days that i remember,
days that I felt so pure and free, all in that cold november.


Please comment/let me know what ya think. I've been looking for some feedback and no one really comments on anything I've written.

Excellent flow

wow. yeah, it flows really well. i also like how it's telling a story, yet vague at the same time.

excellent.

I like it..it has spunk.


I hate SPUNK!

no but seriously I really like it. Good flow, and it has a good sense of time, not too short not too long.

keep on keepin on

here's my honest opinion
for what it's worth

you start out good...
nice imagery
but a bit later I feel like
you are pleading for pity.
now, I'm sure that's not what you're
going for but it's there.
sorrow and and pain are difficult emotions
to put into words
without invoking a sense of
terminal selfishness.
expressing pain,
of any sort
always comes off better in words
through metaphor or symbolism.
that way we, the consumers of
your heart-felt words,
don't feel like you're moaning
but instead, breathing your feelings
into our souls
and touching something
we have in common.
the fact is, we all are the same,
but reaching inside
can be tricky.
don't try to to be witty,
simply be true.
true art is hidden behind pure
truth
and truth is
pure
art

It's really good! Your an awsome rymer (is tha what you call them?). I like all of your work; i've been looking at it and your my new favorite poet!! lol

'darkness', 'crawl', 'cold', 'soul', 'heart'; these words are really cliche these days in poems/songs (see Linkin Park/Staind etc).

I think that the essence of the poem is sacrificed by making it rhyme. I'm a 'hate rhyming' barry because I have always felt that by focusing too much on making something rhyme, you really do lose quality of words etc. and end up using thos very cliche ones.

that being said; i'm a one man army and poetry is too subjective to say 'That is a bad poem'; i can imagine many people getting something out of it. good work.

well as MrTTTTT said those words might be overused, the song over all has a good flow to it and with some chords slapped over it could definitly be something to sing, like in a street corner, park, or subway, untill ur picked up by a record company and they release it and it becomes a pop hit

It's pretty good