A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Sort of funny little one liners:

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a
new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into
a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't
get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any
time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the
Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16
hardened criminals.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with
fire',which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the
mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be
enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are
they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get
all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me
neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they
stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

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Only the very safe,
Can talk about wrong and right.
Of those that are forced to choose,
There's some who will choose to fight.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while lovingly tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger through the ashes, she said, "Irving,
remember that blow job I promised you?.... Here it comes."

__________________
Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Thus, every communist should become an active participant in this electoral upsurge, if he or she hasn’t already done so. The avenues are many and the possibilities are nearly limitless." -- Sam Webb, chairman, Communist Party USA (speaking of Obama / Clinton)

How does an essex girl warm up dinner?????

She slides down the bannister.

..........I think I'd have screamed If I became a monk and heard that truth....

Here's a swell gift idea for that kitty-lover on your Christmas list.

__________________
Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Thus, every communist should become an active participant in this electoral upsurge, if he or she hasn’t already done so. The avenues are many and the possibilities are nearly limitless." -- Sam Webb, chairman, Communist Party USA (speaking of Obama / Clinton)

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking....................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.......................................... Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age..............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.............................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................................Bi tch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress ! ; = ; Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

__________________
Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Thus, every communist should become an active participant in this electoral upsurge, if he or she hasn’t already done so. The avenues are many and the possibilities are nearly limitless." -- Sam Webb, chairman, Communist Party USA (speaking of Obama / Clinton)

LOL. Absolutely Priceless Strat....and so accurate

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http://www.metacafe.com/watch/116941...hero_rock_out/

..now we know where you've been hiding Dave!

What's 6" long and begins with a 'P'?


A shit.


Charmless, yet secure

x

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And you my love, won't you take my hand
We'll go back in time,
To that mystic land
Where the dew drops cry, and the cats meow
I will take you there
I will show you how....

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?






Christopher Walken.




Hold me, I'm gonna cry.

__________________
"I need a bohemian atmosphere"

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or hold Jess.

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Hold me, you know you want to.

__________________
"I need a bohemian atmosphere"

I must resist my uncontrollable urges.

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Interesting. I suppose I'll just sit here quietly.

__________________
"I need a bohemian atmosphere"

I am so sick of women/men jokes I could scream.

__________________
"I need a bohemian atmosphere"