A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Dr Cheese · #**826** 01-25-2005, 06:49 AM

Substitute "Essex Girl" with the regional stereotype of your choice.

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
-------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back termorra afternoon to pick up me dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Nar" she replies.
"This time it's mayonnaise."
------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
--------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"
--------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "OK."
Medic: "OK, then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

peewak · #**827** 01-25-2005, 06:53 AM

heard that last one before,still makes me laugh though!! cheesus we're supposed to be a city of comiedians,but, i can't think of any jokes right now!!!

fixxlevy · #**828** 01-27-2005, 07:55 PM

Q/ What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

A/ Neil Armstrong walked on the Moon and Michael Jackson sleeps with children

fixxlevy · #**829** 01-28-2005, 05:03 AM

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
" Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

......... so I told her to **** off.

Deranged · #**830** 01-28-2005, 05:05 AM

Nice.

IanC1973 · #**831** 01-28-2005, 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dr Cheese
Substitute "Essex Girl" with the regional stereotype of your choice.

"

How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex?

She opens the car door.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Simon · #**832** 04-25-2005, 09:03 PM

Coach Mariucci had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window from 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-blooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Mariucci said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said, "you deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

Simon · #**833** 04-27-2005, 05:03 PM

A few things you DONOT want to hear during surgery...

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bobo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

12. "Ooooops!"

13. Nurse, get online, go to surgery.com, and click on "Are you completely lost?"

14. Will someone please go get me... (insert name of any Surgical Textbook).

15. Wow.... never seen blood spray that high before!!

16. Wait, nobody move, I think i lost my cell phone.

17. Well, that sure "sounds" arterial!

18. Who's following me???

19. OH Shi#!!!! SUCTION!!!

20. Call my office, and cancel the rest of my day.

Aneurysm · #**834** 04-27-2005, 06:29 PM

Haha, nice.

Ilúvatar · #**835** 04-27-2005, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simon

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Brilliant!

fairjess · #**836** 04-27-2005, 06:53 PM

Actually, I don't want to hear anything during surgery.

I've always been terrified of waking up while under sedation.

Simon · #**837** 04-27-2005, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fairjess

Actually, I don't want to hear anything during surgery.

I've always been terrified of waking up while under sedation.

Not all surgeries involve general anesthetic

Aneurysm · #**838** 04-27-2005, 08:25 PM

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

fairjess · #**839** 04-27-2005, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simon

Not all surgeries involve general anesthetic

True...you have me there.

But those surgeries are bad enough..lol.

fixxlevy · #**840** 04-28-2005, 12:36 PM

Hollywood are doing a Jesus themed slasher flick:

'I know what you did last supper'

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A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Just babbling...