A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Yeah, it's funny, I've heard it somewhere else, too.


Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

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That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Thanks to Snagglepuss for this one:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fucking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?""Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said."When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Arsehole #1. "Hello.""You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a###hole," and hung up. Then I called A###hole #2. "Hello?" he said."Hello, arsehole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick you're arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang wargoing down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Fixxy that was too funny!



A housewife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her Husband came home unexpectedly early, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now had company

Boy: "Dark in here"

Man: "Yes it is"

Boy: "I have a baseball"

Man: "Thats nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it"

Man: "No thanks"

Boy: "My dads outside"

Man: "OK how much?"

Boy: "$250"

Man: "Fine"

In the next few weeks it happens again that the boy and his mums lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here"

Man: "Yes it is"

Boy: "I have a baseball glove"

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Fine"

A few days later the boys father says to his son "Grab your glove lets go outside and throw some ball"

Boy: "I can't i Sold them"

Father: "how much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1000"

Father: "Thats terrible to overcharge your friends like that. Thats way more than what those two things cost, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess"

They go to church and the father alerts the preist, and make the boy sit sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

Boy: "Dark in here"

Preist: "Don't start that shit again"

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Work in the ER is a mix of can do, can't do and "sure, what the hell..."

Watch my videos

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
> badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
> so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
> The three men had always done everything together.
>
>>
> Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
> sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
> roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
> ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
>
>
> Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
> a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
> him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
> it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
>
>Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
> "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
> Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
> Every time we went to town, folks would say,
> "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Liverpool" are good enough to win the League this year." Snow White says "Good News,Dopey's alive!"

A Scotsman telling football jokes - now that's funny!

Almost as funny as the mighty Liverpool only managing to draw with 'Boro

A doctor says to a pacient:

-What is wrong with you?

-My whole body hurts, doc!

-How is that? Tell me.

-Well, I touched my ankle and it hurt, I touched my chest and it hurt, I touched my head and it also hurt, I touched my back and it keept hurting...

-No, your problem is that you have a broken wrist, sir!


Pretty cool, huh! Anybody has a good joke, post it!


MOD EDIT: Duplicate thread merged here.

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zig-zag-ing my way through the boredom and pain...

Sam and Joe Frank were brothers. They were very close, in spite of the fact that Joe was very righteous and Godfearing, whereas Sam took pride in breaking as many of the 10 commandments as he could. Joe pleaded with Sam to change his ways so he wouldn't go to hell, but Sam wouldn't listen.

Inevitably, they both died, and sure enough, Joe went to heaven and Sam took the "A" train to hell. After several millennia, Joe was missing his brother a lot. Since he had a lot of influence with St. Peter, he decided to see if he could arrange to go visit Sam. St. Pete talked it over with God, and to Joe's delight, he was issued a visa to visit Hell.

St. Pete briefed Joe, and explained the conditions. "You've got 72 earth-hours til you have to be back here at Heaven's Gate. Not a minute more. You must take your wings and harp so that you can be protected while in hell, and so that you can re-enter heaven. Have fun!

Joe grabbed his harp, strapped on his wings, made the journey, timidly entered hell, and was led through the firey brimstoney catacombs by a dragonlike demon, who guided him to the door of this luxurious Las Vegas-like palace. Joe was flabberghasted, and overcome with joy to see his beloved brother again. After the tears were shed and the excitement of reunion subsided, Sam took Joe on a tour of his fabulous nightclub. There were beautiful women everywhere, flowing booze, continuous sex orgies, loud music, and all the exquisite food one could imagine.
"My God, Sam, I had no idea hell could be like this", gasped Joe, now feeling slightly envious. "Where's the punishment?"
"Well, it isn't ALL perfect," replied Sam, "the only music we can play here is disco."

Joe tossed his inhabitions and joined in on all the fun. He had such a good time, in fact, that he lost track of time, and almost too late realized he had to get back to heaven!

Joe made his way posthaste back to St. Peter's gate, and arrived with barely a minute to spare.

"You made it just in time" said Peter, "but.....where's your harp?"

"Ohmygod!!" yelled Joe as he slapped his forehead, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!"

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Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmed, C.A.I.R.)

Ba-dum-bump ...

Thank you, try the veal..I'll be here till Thursday..

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

Thought up that one while driving down Lombard St. eh Strat?

__________________

Work in the ER is a mix of can do, can't do and "sure, what the hell..."

Watch my videos

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the drunk's "manhood" hanging out of his fly for the entire world to see. He asks the man
"Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"I'll be damned..........My girlfriend's gone too!!!!!"

I heard that one in Dutch about 5 years ago.

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It's a crime that the swift should be held back by the slow, and it's criminal that nothing is going to rectify it.