A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

We laugh because we hurt, we hurt because we love.

But enough of that maudlin crap - I just laughed myself silly for hours. I thought this thread deserved a revival. or not. Funniest joke in here is the one by fixxlevvy about the three woman knitting. I almost peed myself.

I didn't see this one:
A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.
The bartender says " say fella, you have a steering wheel attached to the front of your pants"
"Gar" replies the pirate "It's drivin' me nuts"

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Sometimes the lights are shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been.

An American, Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The other men looked at him questioningly.
“That was my pager” the American said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm”.

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished his conversation he explained. “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand”

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows at him.

The Irishman glanced around and said “ Bejesus! Wouldya look at dat!! I’m getting a fax!”

ps- Pirate joke v funny

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

The pirate joke...

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--∆==

so, George Bush is at his morning meeting on Iraq. Cheney reports on the coalition troops and says "sir, 4 Brazilian troops were killed"- Bush's mouth falls open, and he goes into a crying jag when he hears this news. Bawling. Head in hands. Inconsolable.
The other staff are amazed and mystified - Dubyah has been given this news over 2000 times and has NEVER reacted with this amount of grief. Why is he suddenly so moved?
Sobbing still, Bush gasps to Cheney "so remind me, how many is a brazilian..."

The pirate joke is still better

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Sometimes the lights are shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the local art gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men, sitting totally naked on a park bench.
Two of the men had black penises, but the guy seated in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery saw the couple had trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment….
He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of african americans in a predominantly white patriacol society.
Infact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe the pink penis reflects the cultural and social oppression faced by gay men on a contemporary society.
After the curator left, a scotsman approached the couple……………he said "would you like to know what that paintings REALLY about.."?
"And how would you claim to know more about this painting than the curator of the gallery.".?
"Because im the guy who painted it"…..he replied.
"Infact there is no african american representation at all….. Their just three scottish coalminers and the guy in the middle went home for his lunch"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

the guy in the middle went home for lunch

OK - I didn't see this one either -
A Rabbi had collected foreskins for over 35 years and decided to take them to Bernie the undertaker. He says "Bernie, you're used to stitching together the remains of humans, can you make me something nice from this box full of foreskins please?"
Two weeks later, Bernie shows up at the Rabbi's home and presents him with a fine looking wallet.
"WHAT?!" asks the Rabbi "Is this wallet all you could make from that fine collection of foreskins?!"
And Bernie says- "Well Rabbi, when you rub it, it turns into a suitcase".

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Sometimes the lights are shining on me, other times I can barely see. Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been.

A belgian walks in a pub and orders 18 beers. Later he comes back and orders 18 again. Barkeeper asks him why 18 all the time? Belgian says: There is a sign over there that says no drinking below 18.

What do you do when a Belgian throws a hand grenade to you? You pull out the pin and throw it back.

A Belgian is walking with his ear in bandage. Someone meets him and asks: what happened to your ear? He says: I was ironing and the phone rang.

What does it say on the bottom of a Belgian Coca Cola bottle? Do not open on this side.

It's black and lying in the snow. A belgian using camouflage.

One Belgian says to another: I don't care if they raise the petrol prices I only ever fill for 10 euros anyway.

A Belgian died last week while he was drinking milk. The cow suddenly sat down.

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It's a crime that the swift should be held back by the slow, and it's criminal that nothing is going to rectify it.

You all are too funny. Here's one for you:

Two women meet in the afterlife:
> >
> >1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
> >
> >2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?
> >
> >1st woman: I froze to death.
> >
> >2nd woman: How horrible!
> >
> >1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
> began to get warm and sleepy and finally had a peaceful death. What about you?
> >
> >2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
> >was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
> >instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
> >
> >1st woman: So what happened?
> >
> >2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house somewhere
> >that I started running all over the house looking for her. I ran up to the
> >attic and searched. I ran down to the basement and searched.

> >Then I went through every closet and checked under all of the beds. I kept
> >this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
> >that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
> >
> >1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.We'd both still be alive.

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Courtney
Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.

George Bush is out walking his dog, when he bumps into Tony Blair. Tony says to George, “do you fancy going for a beer”? So they slope off to a nearby pub, and start downing a couple of beers whilst the dog sits quietly at his master’s feet. Just then a guy walks into the pub, picks up the dog, puts it onto the bar and starts studiously studying the dog’s asshole. Both Tony and George are quite dumbfounded, and after a few minutes George pipes up” hey buddy, what the f*ck’s the big idea”? The guy turns round and says “I’m sorry, but a guy outside said there’s a dog in there with two assholes”!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Perhaps he was trying to give it the 'hind-lick' maneuver

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Brilliant!

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"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Solo work

Band

I'm glad you like it!

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Courtney
Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"