A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Axe victim · #**901** 11-21-2005, 12:11 PM

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God;
can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our priest is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving f*ckers at the Post Office......

IanC1973 · #**902** 11-21-2005, 12:30 PM

During a visit to the United Kingdom, the following
conversation is supposed to have taken place, between Her
Majesty The Queen, and President Bush!

President Bush “Well, Your Majesty, I’m very impressed with
your Kingdom, In fact I’m so impressed I’m considering making
the U.S. into a Kingdom!”

The Queen “I’m sorry Mr President, but I think you will find
that for the U.S. to be a Kingdom, the Head of State needs to
be a King or a Queen!”

President Bush “Oh I see, well perhaps a Principality then!”

The Queen “Well, I’m afraid there you would need a Prince.
Or a Princess!”

President Bush “Ah well how about an Empire, I like the sound
of that!”

The Queen “Yes but in that case, the Head of State has to be
an Emperor or Empress! No, personally One feels you would be
far better off, leaving the U.S. as a Country!”

Deranged · #**903** 11-21-2005, 12:32 PM

I don't get it.

IanC1973 · #**904** 11-21-2005, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deranged

I don't get it.

I'll explain on msn

Watered · #**905** 11-21-2005, 01:04 PM

Axe, the joke you posted was really funny!

fixxlevy · #**906** 11-21-2005, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IanC1973

During a visit to the United Kingdom, the following
conversation is supposed to have taken place, between Her
Majesty The Queen, and President Bush!

President Bush “Well, Your Majesty, I’m very impressed with
your Kingdom, In fact I’m so impressed I’m considering making
the U.S. into a Kingdom!”

The Queen “I’m sorry Mr President, but I think you will find
that for the U.S. to be a Kingdom, the Head of State needs to
be a King or a Queen!”

President Bush “Oh I see, well perhaps a Principality then!”

The Queen “Well, I’m afraid there you would need a Prince.
Or a Princess!”

President Bush “Ah well how about an Empire, I like the sound
of that!”

The Queen “Yes but in that case, the Head of State has to be
an Emperor or Empress! No, personally One feels you would be
far better off, leaving the U.S. as a Country!”

Highly amusing

Botley · #**907** 11-22-2005, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IanC1973

“Yes but in that case, the Head of State has to be
an Emperor or Empress! No, personally One feels you would be
far better off, leaving the U.S. as a Country!”

steamwhistle_28 · #**908** 11-22-2005, 09:09 PM

As we age, our priorities change. One day this middle-aged man came
home and was greeted by his wife, who was dressed only in very sexy
underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, " and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went fishing.

lunaticccc · #**909** 11-23-2005, 06:18 AM

hm...guys...i don't understand THAT joke...

//with HM and Bush

harlequin · #**910** 11-23-2005, 07:42 AM

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

fixxlevy · #**911** 11-23-2005, 02:07 PM

"Mummy mummy, do they celebrate christmas in Vietnam?"
"No honey, but I hear that they might be hanging Glitter this year"

Da_Floyd_Fan · #**912** 11-25-2005, 02:12 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After spending all day climbing mountains they reached a campsite and pitched their tent.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes says : "Watson, look up and tell me what you see"
"I can see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies out there. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignifiant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Someone's stolen our tent."

IanC1973 · #**913** 11-26-2005, 04:19 PM

Christian and Peter the prawns are swimming along when Peter suddenly says,
"I'm fed up being a prawn, I wish I was a shark!"

Just at this moment a large cod suddenly appeared next to them.

"I'm your fairy Cod Mother," says the cod, "and I can grant your wish!"

She asks if Peter really wants to be a shark, and when he says that he does,
the cod waves a magic fin.

With a flash, Peter turns into a huge shark, and immediately starts chasing
his old prawn mate.

Christian swims for his life, and hides in his little prawn home.

After a week of being a shark, Peter is missing his old mate and says,
"I wish I was a prawn again."

All of a sudden the fairy cod mother reappears and turns him back into a prawn.

Excitedly, Peter swims off to find his pal.

But when Peter knocks on Christian's door, his old mate wont come out.

"No way" says Christian, "you are a shark and will eat me!"

"I'm not a shark anymore, honest" says Peter.

"You could be lying. How do I know you are not a shark?" says his worried pal.

And Peter
says...

I've seen cod, and I'm a prawn again Christian.

I'll get me coat!

Fulghum · #**914** 11-26-2005, 04:32 PM

Ba Dum Bump.....

Thank you, thank you..try the veal.. I'll be here all week...

<Ohhhh that was baaaddddddd>

IanC1973 · #**915** 11-26-2005, 04:33 PM

yep i know, its one of those I found so stupid I just had to laugh though.

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A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Just babbling...