A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Three men died one day, and when they met St. Peter at the gate, he told them, "Well, God says Heaven is getting rather full, so I can only let in the people with the worst deaths. So, now that I have that out of the way..." he turns to the first guy. "How did you die?"

"Well," he begins, "I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for the longest time, so I came home early from work to my apartment on the 25th floor this morning, and there she is, in bed, butt naked. So I tear up the house, go through the closets, look under the bed, and then go out on the balcony, and the bastard's right THERE! Hanging off the edge! So I'm stomping on his hands, and trying to pry his fingers, and he won't let go, so I go get a hammer" HAMMER! HAMMER! HAMMER! (sorry, couldn't resist) "and pound on his hands with THAT! So he falls twen!ty! five! stories! He landed in the bushes alive, so I threw the fridge off the balcony after him, and all the stress and anger got to me and I had a heart attack."

"I died on the spot."

"Well," says St. Peter, "that does sound bad...you can go in. What about you?" he asks, turning to the second man.

"Well, every day I do aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, and today, I slipped and fell off! Well, I grabbed the ledge below me, and suddenly a man bursts out, and starts beating on my hands, then runs inside to get a hammer to beat on my hands! Well, I couldn't take that for very long, so I let go, dropping 25 stories, and landing in the bushes, dazed but okay. I stood up, just about to yell, "Hallelujah!", when out of nowhere, a refrigerator lands on me! So here I am..."

St. Peter nods, and points him inside. "What about you?" he asks the last guy.

"Well, picture this, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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Court Mandated to be Kept Away From Sharp Objects.

zingoleb- that is funny! It reminds me of the last joke I posted. Grand stuff.

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Courtney
Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.

Okay, now for the corniest joke ever.

A man walks into a bar. He says, "Ow!"

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Court Mandated to be Kept Away From Sharp Objects.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. . .


Hey, it could happen.

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That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

I once met a teetotal Irishman actually, no, honestly I did!

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The world's gone mad
And I have lost touch
I shouldn't admit it
But I have


My Lastfm Page

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.She put a
want ad in the local paper that read :

HUSBAND WANTED.Must be in my age group, must not beat me,
must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed !
All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.

Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a
man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider
you, are you ?
Just look at you---you have no legs !"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you !"

She snorted, "You have no arms either !"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you !"

The old lady raised her eye ebrows and gazed at him
intensely. "Are you still good in bed ?" she asked.

With a smirk the old man said, " Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should

hehehe

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Daddy! Take the banana! Tomorrow is Sunday!

too funny

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Courtney
Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.

cruise trip Day 1: The sea is beautiful. Today, the captain asked me to sit at his table during dinner, I feel so special!!

cruise trip Day 2: Today, me and the captain took a walk on the deck together. I didn't really understand what he was talking about but I was happy to be in his company.

cruise trip Day 3: Today, the captain hit on me. I'm not this kind of girl! He said that if I didn't accept his advances, he would sink the boat.

cruise trip Day 4: Today, I saved 1600 human lives. Twice!

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Daddy! Take the banana! Tomorrow is Sunday!

Hahahaahahaha! Twice!

Mohandas (or Mahatma, I get that correction all the time —_—) Ghandi was always barefoot, and because of this, he had an amazing set of callouses. He also ate very little, and because of his odd diet, he was thin and frail, and also had bad breath...this made him a:

(Say it aloud)

Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Not quite a joke here, but more a dialogue in school.

"Okay, so we're all forest rangers. And Ed over there" pointing at me "is a hippie forest ranger. Don't cut down trees, don't harm the Earth Mother, don't hurt the bears..." and he pretends to get mauled by a bear as everyone laughs. "Actually, my grandfather was a biker, and he was a hippe, with the hair and the leather jacket, so let's all be hippie biker forest rangers!"

This went on for awhile, until we came up with the strangest job EVER.

Muslim Hippie Biker Pirate Ninja Pyromaniac Forest Ranger.

Actually, just those last three could be fun. "Only YOU can stop forest fires." And then go around starting forest fires.

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Court Mandated to be Kept Away From Sharp Objects.

We had that very thing 3 years ago here in Colorado. She (forest ranger Terry Barton) is not having a lot of fun, however. 6 years in federal prison and a $14,700,000 fine.

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Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmed, C.A.I.R.)

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way
to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by, much to his surprise,
George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" snarls Mr.
Washington, punching Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry then bashes
Osama up side o' the head with a club.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed
the Federal government to provide for the common defense!"
He then knees Osama in the nuts.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of
Roanoke, James Monroe, and 66 other people who have the
same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground,
Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gate
where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination,
he sobs "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

__________________
Taking away from you for the greater good.

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmed, C.A.I.R.)

__________________
The world's gone mad
And I have lost touch
I shouldn't admit it
But I have


My Lastfm Page

This is a teacher's joke:

A young university student fails one of her final exams. Knowing how important for her passing this exam is, she goes to the teacher's office to talk about the result of the exam. The teacher tells her that there is nothing to talk about, it's a clear fail and no revision could save it from being so. She's so desperate that she says: "I would do anything to pass the exam". The teacher stops for a moment to think and then replies: "anything?", "ANYthing" says the student leaning forward towards the teacher and looking at him straight in the eyes. A knowing smile appears in the teacher's lips and asks again in a softer voice: "anything?", "anything" replies the girl again almost in a whisper with her eyes half-closed and her lips half-open. Then, the teacher gets closer to her and whispers in her ear: "Would you...







...study?"

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"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Solo work