A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

After doing some tests on a pacient, the doctor goes for the results. After a few minutes, he comes back saying "I've got good news and bad news. Which one do you want me to start with?"
"The bad news"
"You have cancer and you're going to die"
"Oh my God! And what's the good news?"
"My son was admitted at college."

A doctor tells his patient, "I have some bad news.. You have cancer and you suffer from Altheizmers".

The patient looks up and says... "It couild be worse, at least I don't have cancer.."

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

That was effin' hillarious!

Fulghum- brilliant!

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Courtney
Where there is no sense, there is no feeling.

Signs that you may be a drunk:


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

George W. Bush starts to make sense.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

"Beertender! Get me another Bar!"

All too foten, it's reality too


A policeman approaches a driver after just pulling him over...
"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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Work in the ER is a mix of can do, can't do and "sure, what the hell..."

Watch my videos

Clever and hilarious!!

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"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Solo work

How did Darth Vadar know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only Aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a fairground goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says: "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you right boss, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said: "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you Something, that was amazing.
"How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked: "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the pool!"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

haha, great

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Daddy! Take the banana! Tomorrow is Sunday!

A little Indian boy is curious about the way they get their names.

He says to his father: "Daddy how do we get our names"?

His father says: "Well when you are born, we look outside the tee-pee to see what kind of animal is about, and what is is doing, and that is what we are then known as. So when I was born, there was a Roaring Bear outside, so my name is Roaring Bear. And when your mummy was born the was a soaring eagle in the sky, so she was called Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking"?

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Only the very safe,
Can talk about wrong and right.
Of those that are forced to choose,
There's some who will choose to fight.

Mr and Mrs Egg were married in a wonderful ceremony, after which they retired to the honeymoon suite to experience each other foir the first time.

Mrs Egg was sprawled out in the bed in a sexy little egglige, and Mr Egg said "wait right there, I'll be back in a moment".

He went into the bathroom, and Mrs Egg was moaning: "Mr Egg you look so verile, so strong, please come and make me yours".

Mr Egg emerged from the bathroom wearing nothing but a helmet.

Mrs Egg said: "Oh Mr Egg I can't wait any longer, please come to me now...and why are you wearing a helmet?"

Mr Egg replied: "the last time I was this hard someone hit me on the head with a spoon"

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Only the very safe,
Can talk about wrong and right.
Of those that are forced to choose,
There's some who will choose to fight.

hahahahhahah lol!!!!
great one!!

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Cause there's nothin strange
About an axe with bloodstains in the barn.
There's always some killin'
You got to do around the farm.
- Tom Waits

www.myspace.com/computerliebe

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife, who said ....




































f*** off!! They're for the funeral".

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The world's gone mad
And I have lost touch
I shouldn't admit it
But I have


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