A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "****"

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Work in the ER is a mix of can do, can't do and "sure, what the hell..."

Watch my videos

Great one, Simon!


George had a problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So George went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. George slept well and, in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked! I woke up early today!"

"That's nice", said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, and they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whiskey.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my
zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for
free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Little Known Conversion Factors, Explained

1: the ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2: 2,000 lbs. of Chinese soup = won ton
3: 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4: the time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5: the weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6: the time it takes to sail 220 yards, at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotferlong
7: 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 lite year
8: 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9: half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10: 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11: basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12: shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13: 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14: 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15: 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16: 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17: 2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18: 10 cards = 1 decacard
19: 520 cards = 1 deckadeck
20: 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21: 1,000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22: 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23: 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24: 10 rations = 1 decaration
25: 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26: 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27: 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28: 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. league

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

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ég gaf ykkur von sem varð að vonbrigðum.. þetta er ágætis byrjun

Good stuff!

"25a" could be 1000 rations = 1 K ration.

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Taking away from you for the greater good. (The Audacity of Socialism).

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmad (founder, C.A.I.R.)

Heres a joke that was on a poster I recently bought.
Cause we all know,
Sh*t Happens

Taoism- "If you understand sh*t, it isn't sh*t"
Hinduism- "This sh*t happened before"
Confucianism- "Confucious say sh*t happens'"
Buddhism- "Sh*t will happen to you again"
Zen- "What is the sound of sh*t happening?"
Islam- "If sh*t happens it is the will of Allah"
Sikhism- "Leave our sh*t alone"
Jehova's Witness- "Knock knock. Sh*t Happens"
Atheism- "I don't believe this sh*t"
Agnosticism- "Can you prove that sh*t happens?"
Catholicism- "If sh*t happens, you deserve it"
Protestantism- "Sh*t happens, amen to that"
Judaism- "Why does sh*t always happen to us?"
Orthodox Judaism- "So sh*t happens, already"
Televangelism- "Send money or sh*t will happen to you"
Rastafarianism- "Let's smoke this sh*t"
Hare Krishna- "Sh*t happens rama rama"
Nation Of Islam- "Don't take no sh*t"
New Age- "Visualise sh*t happening"
Shintoism- "You inherit the sh*t of your ancestors"
Hedonism- "I love it when sh*t happens"
Satanism- "sneppah tihs"
Capitalism- "This is MY sh*t"
Feminism- "Men are sh*t"
Existentailism- "What is sh*t, anyway?"
Scientology- "If sh*t happens, see Dianetic p.137"
Mormonism- "Excrement happens" (don't say sh*t)
Baptism- "We'll wash the sh*t right off you"
Mysticism- "This is really weird sh*t"
Voodoo- "Sh*t doesn't just happen - we made it happen"
Disneyism- "Bad sh*t doesn't happen here"
Wicca- "You can make sh*t happen but sh*t will hapen to you three times"
Communism- "Lets share the sh*t"
Marxism- "You have nothing to lose but your sh*t"
Conspiracy Theorism- "THEY sh*t on us!"
Psycho-analysis- "Tell me about your sh*t"
Darwinism- "Survival of the sh*ttiest"
Amish- "Modern sh*t is useless"
Suicidal- "I've had enough of this sh*t"
Opimism- "Sh*t won't happen to me"
Trekism- "To boldly sh*t where no-one has sh*t before"
Shakespearean- "To sh*t or not to sh*t, that is the question"
Descartes- "I sh*t therefore I am"
Freud- "Sh*t is a phallic symbol"
Lawyers- "For enough money, I can get you out of sh*t"
Acupuncturist- "Hold still or this will hurt like sh*t"
Dog- "I just sh*t in your shoe"
Cat- "Dogs are sh*t"
Mouse- "Oh sh*t! A cat!"
Politically Correct- "Internally processed, nutritionally-drained biological output happens"
Einstein- "Sh*t is relative"
Family Gathering- "Relatives are sh*t"
Materialism- "Whoever dies with the most sh*t, wins"
Vegetarianism- "If it happens to sh*t, don't eat it"
Fatalism- "Oh sh*t, it's going to happen"
Environmentalism- "Sh*t is biodegradable"
Americanism- "Who gives a sh*t?"
Statistician- "Sh*t is 84.7% likely to happen"
Hip-Hop- "Motherf*** this sh*znit, beeatch!"
Tantrism- "F*** this sh*t"
Cynicism- "We are all full of sh*t"
Surealsim- "Fish happens"


P.S. Sorry if this should've been in the 'Dark Side Of The Forum', I wasn't sure where to put it.

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ég gaf ykkur von sem varð að vonbrigðum.. þetta er ágætis byrjun

Gotta copy and paste this one. He he

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Taking away from you for the greater good. (The Audacity of Socialism).

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmad (founder, C.A.I.R.)

I saw that one somewhere, good stuff.

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That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Like I said, it was on a poster I had bought.. I'm sure it is popular

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ég gaf ykkur von sem varð að vonbrigðum.. þetta er ágætis byrjun

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Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the Ape?

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Could you
please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I
think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him a
condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him:
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees
me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives

him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says
"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is
still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes
allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!!" During dinner, the young man is sitting
with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom
facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts
praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..."Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his
head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend
even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and! whispers in
his ear: "I did not know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

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The world's gone mad
And I have lost touch
I shouldn't admit it
But I have


My Lastfm Page

Sorry I disagree to some extent ;it should be more like this "Oh! This Sh*t?What can we humans do?Its all GOD's doing....After all we lowly humans are blessed that we got a hole in our a*se for doing sh*t ;praise the lord...Maybe God wants to sh*t on us...so come lets collect HIS holy sh*t and pray and sing the virtues' of This SH*T!!!!"
May be thats a bit long ;somebody plz correctly gramamartize it and shorten it to suit the lentgh and width of the piece of SH*T....non-english speaking need know aply .....
BTW;i think the best JOKE EVER IS THE ONE in Dr.Cheese sig"I cant be ars*d into....go here and F.M. (Now give an F..what does it mean...Give me a M. what does it mean...F*#K Me ???)sorry no grabbing below the belt. :wicked smile:

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