A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

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That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING FEMALE PERSONAL ADS:
>
> 1. 40-ish.................................49.
>
> 2. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
>
> 3. Athletic........................... ....No breasts.
>
> 4. Average looking...................Moooo.
>
> 5. Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
>
> 6. Emotionally Secure...............On medication.
>
> 7. Feminist...............................Fat.
>
> 8. Free spirit............................Junkie.
>
> 9. Friendship first.....................Former slut.
>
> 10. New-Age.............Body hair in the wrong places.
>
> 11. Old-fashioned....................No BJs.
>
> 12. Open-minded.....................Desperate.
>
> 13. Outgoing.......................Loud and embarrassing.
>
> 14. Professional........................B$tch.
>
> 15. Wants soul mate................Stalker.
>
>
>
> DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMENS' ENGLISH:
>
> 1. Yes = No
>
> 2. No = Yes
>
> 3. Maybe = No
>
> 4. We need = I want
>
> 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
>
> 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
>
> 7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not
>
> 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
>
> 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you
>
> Moron
>
> 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
>
> ever think about?
>
> DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
>
> 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
>
> 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
>
> 3. I am tired = I am tired
>
> 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
>
> 5. I love you = Let's have sex now
>
> 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
>
> 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>
> 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>
> 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>
> 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
>
> 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
>
>

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

So true!

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

I should have credited you for that one, as you sent it to me!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

I didn't start the fire.

__________________
When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

I think it was one of your chums sent it to you, and you kindly passed it on to me. So you get the credit!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Economic Models explained with cows

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the
other, then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The
public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them
again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and
arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that
you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and
invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You
close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

Probably not too many people who can identify with this post, and probably some who might just well be offended by it! Here it is:

You Might Be a Nurse If...

*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

*You can´t see it; it´s probably not there.

*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.

*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven´t fallen asleep yet.

*You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

*You call some of your co-workers "Flowers in the Field of Medicine" because they´re bloomin´ idiots.

*You hope there´s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

*You believe experience is something you don´t get until just after you need it.

*You see stress as a normal way of life.

*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient´s "big" problems.

*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*You´ve ever thought, "Patients, God love ´em, because today, I sure don´t!"

*Everything only happens all at once.

*You have more T-shirts that say, "Love a nurse PRN" than plain T-shirts.

*You´ve ever referred to other nurses as "Band-Aid Bunnies."

*You´ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*You look in your closet and can´t find anything non-medical to wear.

*You´ve ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."

*You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you´re a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.

*You´ve ever told a patient to "stop faking it."

*You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

*You don´t get excited about blood loss unless it´s your own.

*You don´t hit patients or doctors....unless absolutely necessary.

*You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.

*Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you obviously don´t understand the situation.

*You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don´t understand the situation.

*You´ve ever said, "Why am I here?" Or conversely, "why is the patient STILL here?!"

*If you believe if a patient who has a catheter, he needs it.

*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

*You´ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I´ve never had sex." Or the ones in the delivery room, delivering the baby still screaming "I'm NOT PREGNANT! This is NOT HAPPENING to ME!"

*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn´t bother you.

*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*You´ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone´s vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

*You can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

*You´ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I´m afraid of shots."

*You´ve ever thought, "As long as he´s got a pulse, I don´t care about the rhythm."

*You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he OD´d on "some kind of pills."

*You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

*You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

*You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.

*Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is "Why is this an emergency now?"

*You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

*You don´t believe 90% of what you´re told, and 75% of what you see.

*You firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*You believe a book entitled "Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time" will be your next project.

*You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

*You´ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don´t know how that got stuck in there."

*You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.

cheers,

PS: Complaints, Questions, Comments, Compliments about this post may please be addressed to the "Stuff I can say at work" thread. I welcome all comments - good, bad, nasty, appreciative, indifferent.

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Work in the ER is a mix of can do, can't do and "sure, what the hell..."

Watch my videos

__________________
When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Exam time:

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Oh my holy god.... literally.

thank you, that just made my day.

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“Our steak and martinis is draft beer with weenies.” -George Jones

Maybe it's because I'm an overeducated underachiever, who's a bit of a math and science geek as well..

But Fixxy, that some of the funniest sh** I've seen in a loooooog time...

....find the identy of batman.....hehhehehhehehehee.
I can hear Adam West now... "Robin, we must find the bat-derivitive".....

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

I too laughed my ass off.

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Me too, fixxy. I'm gonna take that into work (I work with a bunch of engineers...about 1800 of them, to be exact).

Thanks for posting it!

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"David Gilmour can do more with one note than most guitarists can do with the whole fretboard."

Dave Mustaine (Megadeth)