A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

why is this thread still going haha

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting
in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

An Aberdonian was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around,
he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Aberdonian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and,
realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Women!


Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

i couldn;t resist, i love them so much
ministry of silly walk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqhlQfXUk7w

classic!

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message
to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I
don't
have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked
towards the
next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now pull down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead .. take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ...

"Well.... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while
holding it close to her lips, ....... tentatively said:
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

funny line from new Bruce Willis movie...BW is in car with about 20 year old kid hacker with Credence Clearwater Revival playing on radio:

Kid Hacker: what's that garbage you're playing
Bruce Willis: that's CCR
KH: who?
BW: Credence Clearwater Revival
KH: listening to that shit is like sticking a pine cone up my ass!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.”

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face..

Shoite", he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. Feeling much better, he takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He then takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says, “Fock it", and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Three guys have to take a test to show off their own courage. The have to jump off a 10 metres high wall, then to get into a cage to comb a lion, then to get into a room to have sex with a 80 years old lady.

The first one jumps off the wall, then gets into the cage but comes out at once sayng "anything but combing a lion!"

The second one jumps off the wall, then gets into the cage, the other ones hear some roars but he succeeds someway in combing the lion, then gets into the room but comes out at once saying "anything but having sex with that old lady!"

It's the third one's turn. He jumps off the wall, then gets into the cage, there are a lot of roars and screams, they are certainly fighting, the other ones are very worried... 20 minutes later he comes out, bleeding and limping, his clothes are slashed, takes a breath and says "well, the most is over, where is the old lady to be combed?"

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little your self
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements, she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

A guy sits on a train and happens to notice a stunning looking woman opposite him.

He notices she has N.A.N tattoed on her arm so he enquires "I Hope ye don't mind me asking but what does the N.A.N stand for on your arm?"
to which she replies "National Association of Nymphomaniacs, i'm on my way our annual conference actually"
"That's really interesting", replies the man..."What do you do at these conferences"

"Well we get together and compare lovers and decide what type of men are the best"

"so who do make the best lovers" the man enquires

"well the best two are mainly the scots and the native americans" the native amercians becuase they're so passionate, mysterious and athletic, and the scots because they're so feisty and just get stuck in, like there's no stopping them....sorry I didn't catch your name?"

"My Name?.......TONTO McKENZIE

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my cock," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!