A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Down boy.

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

What would a brain swelling know?

'I'm rad, you're rad, let's hug.'

__________________
“Our steak and martinis is draft beer with weenies.” -George Jones

Group hug.

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Hands above the waist, boys.

__________________
“Our steak and martinis is draft beer with weenies.” -George Jones

Heh heh, I got your subliminal message.

I'm perfectly fine with that rule. . .ahem. . .

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

I thought you might be

__________________
“Our steak and martinis is draft beer with weenies.” -George Jones

Yep, I am a heterosexual male, of course I am.

__________________
That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Why does Michael Jackson keep processed cheese in his fridge?
Cos kids'll do anything for a slice of Dairylea.


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this is a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to
another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say's:

"Absolutely brilliant - today we had Fish & Chimps and mushy bees!



How do you make a cat go
woof?

Douse it with petrol and light it


I keep getting Jimmy Nail's letters through me door... so i put em back in the post box marked up 'Return to Spender'.


Whats small, green and great at kung fu?

Bruce Pea


Bloke goes to the doctors.

Bloke: Doctor, I feel like a moth.
Doctor: Well, I think you need a psychiatrist not a doctor.
Bloke: Yes, I know.
Doctor: So why are you here then?
Bloke: The light was on


Dave the prawn doesn't feel too hot, he's the smallest in the sea and always gets picked on.
So he's sitting at the reef bar and his best mate Christian says "why don't you have a chat with that cod over there, I've heard he can do magical things!"
Dave's quite excited about this, so he has a chat with this cod, and sure enough a few minutes later Dave is a fully fledged shark!!
Feeling big and clever he goes to start a fight with the swordfish and sure enough they swim off scared! Christian was nowhere to be seen, so Dave went back to his house and banged on the door. "Christian are you in?" Dave asked
"Go away Dave I don't like you anymore, you're big and scary."
Dave isn't too happy about this, so he heads off to see cod. He looks everywhere, in all of cods favorite haunts until finally he finally he finds him in a northern soul bar down a back street. He begs and pleads until finally cod agrees to turn Dave back into a prawn.
Happy to be back to normal, he goes back to his friends house and bangs on the door again.
"Go away Dave, I don't like you anymore, you're big and scary". To which Dave replies, "It's ok, I've done some soul searching and found cod... I'm a prawn again Christian!!!!!!"


Why did the monkey get lost?

Because jungle is massive!


Two hydrogen atoms are in a bar. One says "oh no, i've lost my electron"
The other says "are you sure"
The first replies "yes, i'm positive"


how do you make a dog drink?
put it in a liquidiser


What do pelicans eat?
Anything that fits the bill.


A man took Viagra with his sleeping tablets then went to bed for forty wanks


A few years ago Paul McCartney came home and gathered his children around the table

"Kids, I have some bad news and some good news for you.....

Firstly your mothers dead......

But....Steak Pie for Tea!


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and the Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentleman. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, "I'll go one better than that English bastard" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentleman' ."
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest and groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and my groin, and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure ...'."


The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme They sent me Diana Ross.


George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince."
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Look Bush, to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".


Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.



Whats brown and runny????

Linford Christie


A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem;
He was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out, then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the
man was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.
The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the
operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To
release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid
across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse..."


Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.
Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kids neck.
The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved.
This is all seen by a Manchester Evening News reporter who sees a possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the
kids.
"That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend' ".
"But I don't follow United" says the kid.
"Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiler to save his pal'".
"But I don't follow City either" says the kid.
"Well who do you support" asks the reporter.
"Liverpool" he says.
"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse bastard murders family pet"!


Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna. He returned with a piece of toilet paperhanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows.
"Will you look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."


Guy walks into a bar and says to the bar tender..."I'm wiped...gimme a pint of adenosine-triphosphate"
The bartender says..
"Ok..that'll be 80p"
(actually a fantastic joke)



why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to
surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if
they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions,"
says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer
this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman
of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse
Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can
answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother
or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks,
"Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms
leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican
senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody
can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother
has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's
me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I
know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."


A vampire walks into a cafe & asks for a jug of boiling water. The waitress says: "I thought you vampires only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon & says: "I'm just making tea"



The Man Utd team are having a meeting on the eve of a Liverpool game and Alex Ferguson says to the Boys. "Look lads, I know they are absolutely shite and we don't want to play them, but we have to or face the wrath of the FA.

Ruud Van Nistleroy peps up "I've got an idea. Why don't you all go down to the pub and let me play them on my own, after all I'm good enough to beat them myself, and remember, they are totally pish!!"

"Brilliant idea Ruud" says the Alex, "Let's do that!"

On the day of the game, the team are in the pub playing pool when Giggsy remembers the match is on. He flicks the teletext on and up comes the score.

MAN UTD 1 (VAN NISTLEROY, 10 MIN) LIVERPOOL 0,


The lads cheer and get the drinks in. At about 4:50pm, they go to the teletext again and up comes the score:

MAN UTD 1 (VAN NISTLEROY, 10 mins) LIVERPOOL 1 (GERRARD, 93 min)


"Oh Feck!" cries Alex, "What the feck went wrong?"

They all leave the bar and jump into taxis and head back to Old Trafford.

They rush in to find Van Nistleroy sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.

Alex cries ," What the Feck went wrong Ruud ?"

Ruud replies, "That b*stard ref Winter sent me off in the 12th minute"


Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland's draw with Spain.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down,and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."


Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"



There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a small tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. And the smell... oh, the glorious smell!" "Look Pepe," says the first man. "It's a bacon tree!" "You're right!" says Pepe, "We're saved!" Pepe doesn't wait another second. He runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But just as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?" And with his dying breath Pepe calls back: "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree after all..." "...its a ham bush!"


Paddy is driving home after a few pints down the local.
He turns a corner and to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and realises that there is yet another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and soon discovers that his drive home has turned into a veritable slalom coarse, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees in his path.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

Officer O'Malley approaches Paddy's car and asks him
"Paddy what the feck are you doing."

Paddy starts to tell his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says,
"Paddy, that's your air freshener!"


After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse,
"the first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."


Jeremy Beadle has got a tiny nob .... but on the other hand it's massive


Just a thought but in view of Mr David Beckham's off the field activities is it really wise to wear a football shirt with Siemens Mobile on it????

__________________
When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

That's such a sucky ass joke, so awful!!!!!!!!!!

two blonds walk into a bar, you think one of em woulda seen it

why does micheal jackson like 28 year olds, cuz theres 20 of em

__________________
to let me in from the cold, turn my lead into gold
'cause there's chill wind blowing in my soul and I think I'm growing old

Here goes....my two jokes of the day:

A Brother and sister are ****ing, and the sister says: "you are so much better than dad....oh God!". The brother replies: "thats what mom said."

A guy comes in and screams at this other guy saying: "What the **** are you doing? You were screwing my wife yesterday weren't you?" The other guy says: "Sorry dad". The guy replies: "I'd kill you if you weren't my brother!".

Inbred mania, eat your heart out.

Cheers.

__________________


I could use one.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.



Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.=20

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?


When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at=
thefront door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right

I just didn't know her first name was Always


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.



In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

__________________
stchrissie is not me.