A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Yeah, that's a version of the joke.

'Two blondes walk into a bar. . .

You'd think one of them would have seen it.'

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That's all.
APFFN
Now you can see all the shit I listen to.
And you can fawn over my Myspace.

Just for our Antipodean friends.


A kiwi, an aussie, a nun and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde are sharing a carriage on a train travelling through Switzerland. The train plunges into a tunnel, and everything goes dark. In the darkness a loud SMACK is heard. When the train re-emerges into daylight, the aussie is hunched over, nursing a shattered nose.

The nun thinks: "oh my goodness. that australian chap has obviously made a play for the blonde in the dark, and she's whacked him!"

The blonde thinks: "oh my goodness. that australian chap has obviously tried to grope me, got the nun by mistake, and she's whacked him!"

The aussie thinks: "shit! that f**king kiwi has tried to grope the blonde, she's thought it was me, and she's whacked me!"

The kiwi thinks: "Fu*k, I hope we go thru another tunnel soon so I can whack that f*cking aussie again!"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

A visiting professor at Texas University is giving a seminar on the
supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in
ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their
hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three
students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back,
and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his
way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Hot damn.. From back there I thought you said,
'Goats'!"

( my apologies to the other website I pinched this from, but it made me chuckle)

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Highly ironic, you coming fae Aiberdeen and all

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Welly wearer.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!" "What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour
of a person's hair have to do with her worth as human being? It's
guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person.... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in
general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the
Blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
bastard sitting on your knee." !

David Gilmour, Richard Wright and Nick Mason are all killed in a car accident. When they appraoch the Pearly Gates St. Peter greets them with open arms...

"Boy", he says. "So sorry you had to die but we are just so thrilled that you are here. Welcome, please come in.."

St. Peter continues.."We have an excellent band here and they just can't wait to play with you. On Guitar we have Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and Buddy Holly, we have Miles Davis and Buddy Rich, Oh Yes.. We also have Roger Waters writing lyrics..."

Dave looks at St. Peter in shock.. "When did Roger Die??"

St Peter say's to Dave in hushed tones... "Well.. actually it's GOD.. but he likes to think he's Roger Waters"...

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

Nice.

I saw a highly amusing cartoon in The Times today that simply had St Peter saying "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!"

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Tampax recently replaced all their blue strings with bits of tinsel for Christmas.

They've changed them all back now, however, as it was just for the Festive Period.

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

two toms and a cymbal fall off a cliff:

Bu-bum chee!

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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?

Ouch!....

Dave Gilmour, Rick Wright and Roger Waters all die and go to heaven. Upon reaching the Pearly gates St. Peter stop the trio.

St. Peter says.." Fellas, you've got some marks in the good collumn and some in the bad.. You're going to have to prove your worthyness to get into Heaven. You must cross the river over there. If you fall in and are swept away, you may not enter..if you make it across, then you're in. "

The three approach the river bank and Richard Wright steps in. He looses his footing and falls in and is swept out of sight almost immediately.

Dave and Roger look at each other and proceed to cross together. A few steps later and they are safely on the opposite bank. St. Peter admits them into Heaven..

As they pass through the gates Dave turns to Roger and asks, guiltily.. "Should we have told Rick about the stepping stones?"

Roger looks back and asks..."What stones?"

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I have always been here.
I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to
everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly
a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said
that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet
hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove
it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
hen he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had
in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then
said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of
his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in
the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I
know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight
and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and
loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no
more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may
never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

^
i likes it!!!!maybe i should've done that before my divorce!!!!

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Don't believe everything you hear.......just everything you say!