A JOKE--And it's just a joke, RELAX!

Husband just finished reading book "Man of the House" when he stormed into kitchen, pointed a finger into his wife's face and said "From now on I want you to know I am the man of the house, my word is law! You WILL prepare a gourmet meal for me tonight and every night! Afterwards you will run me a bath. After the bath you will lie on the bed and take what's coming to you and then in the morning guess who's going to wash and dress me?" She replied "The f...ing undertaker!"

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Jeremy Beadle has requested that his remains be recycled into compost and scattered on his garden.



ITV sources say he could be back in early Autumn with “Watch Out Beadle’s A Sprout”




http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b3...g?t=1202126063
Why don't the images display? I have the option ticked in my profile settings.


RIP Jeremy. 8(

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Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the aircraft, when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and smiles broadly.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'


The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you honestly feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when, really, you don't know sh*t?!!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Confucius say...

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

In Washington, DC, both Bill Clinton and George Bush show up at a barbershop at the same time. While each loathes the other, neither is going to give in and be the first to leave - so they (and their Secret Service details) crowd on in.

They're both immediately seated, of course, and the barbers go to work, silent for once, because they're terrified of getting these guys started on politics. Finally, they finish the haircuts and shave the two, Bill's barber finishing up first.

Bill's barber finally breaks the silence, asking Bill "Would you like some after shave lotion, sir?".

Bill smiles and says, "No, Hillary'll smell that and figure I've been in a whorehouse."

George's barber finishes, and figuring it's safe, asks George the same question. George grins and says "Sure! Laura doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.".



Note: I think they originally told this joke about Buchanan or somebody. But it's all I got.

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Activist != Expert.

A good friend in Thailand sent me this one yesterday:

Best Short Joke of the Year:

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through
she leans over and says to her husband, I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?

He replies, Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

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Count me in on the journey, don't expect me to stay.

LOVE STORY .....


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
.
.
.
.
.


F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

wonderful

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj7f3B1VCYM

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

At the end of a gruelling world tour, Michael Jackson was being chauffeured back to his ranch in a stretch limo. "You know", he squeaked to the driver, "I`ve never driven one of these, could I try it out ?". The driver could hardly refuse, so Michael settled behind the wheel, and the chauffeur climbed into the back.
Excited by this new experience, Michael started to accelerate until the limo was topping 100 m.p.h., at this point he saw the flashing lights of a state trooper`s vehicle in his rear-view mirrors and dutifully pulled over.
The trooper looked at Michael and stepped back, "Excuse me Sir," he said, "I`d better call this one in". The trooper radio`d headquarters: "Listen Chief, I`ve just pulled over a really important person and I`m not sure what to do." "Who is it ?" asked his chief, "not the State Governor again ?". "No, this guy is much more important," said the trooper. "More important than the Governor !" yelled the Chief, "Who the hell is it then ?" "I`m not absolutely certain," said the trooper, "but his chauffeur is Michael Jackson"

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like s**t.'

__________________
Best rock group in the World RESULTS HERE!

Floyd rock!

Kevin

Still more answers to that ubiquitous question: Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it had HOPE, and it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.; This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

NANCY PELOSI: Chickens in America today suffer terrible injustices caused by this administration. I will propose legislation tomorrow that will help all chickens get the “help they need” to cross the road. Our country can no longer ignore the plight of these chickens. Chickens have been held back by Bush policies for too long and we will help them.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'

That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.

That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. BTW, I slept with this chicken. Read about it in my just-published autobiograhy.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never _cra...#@&&^(C%_ (mailto:cra...#@&&^(C) ....... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken!!!! ......... What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? .........We need some black chickens!

JEREMIAH WRIGHT and WARD CHURCHILL (in unison): IT'S ONE OF AMERIKKKA'S CHICKENS! COMING HOME TO ROOST!

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Taking away from you for the greater good. (The Audacity of Socialism).

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery".-- Winston Churchill

"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant" - Omar Ahmad (founder, C.A.I.R.)