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  #16  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:25 PM
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Re: Top Tips
Instead of wasting time thinking about what you want to do with your life, why not just masturbate often and with a great ferocity?
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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?
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  #17  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:26 PM
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  #18  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:28 PM
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Re: Top Tips
Robbed? Run over? Beaten up? Why not call the police?
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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?
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  #19  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:29 PM
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Re: Top Tips
This Christmas, show them you care: Give them cigarettes
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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?
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  #20  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:32 PM
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Re: Top Tips
OLD PEOPLE

Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to the community.
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  #21  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:33 PM
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Re: Top Tips
^Should be taking note
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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?
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  #22  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:36 PM
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Re: Top Tips
Already has!
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  #23  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:37 PM
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Re: Top Tips
What's blue and ****s old ladies? Hypothermia
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When Bucks Fizz’s tour bus crashed they all survived. When Metallica's bus crashed Cliff Burton died. Why?
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  #24  
Old 01-05-2005, 03:39 PM
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  #25  
Old 01-05-2005, 04:40 PM
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  #26  
Old 01-09-2005, 12:48 PM
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Re: Top Tips
Save time by only ever watching one Bruce Willis movie.
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  #27  
Old 01-09-2005, 03:14 PM
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Re: Top Tips
You don't have to be good at an instrument to play A Saucerful of Secrets: just throw your instrument against a wall for a bit, and then sing in a wavery and undeveloped falsetto!
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  #28  
Old 01-18-2005, 02:13 PM
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Storing a loaf of bread in a bucket of water will keep it moist and prevent it from going hard.
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  #29  
Old 01-28-2005, 05:37 AM
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Re: Top Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the
first place, you fat bastard.
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  #30  
Old 01-28-2005, 05:42 AM
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Re: Top Tips
Quote:
Originally posted by IanC1973
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the
difference.



Priceless!!!
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