Top Tips

Satan Worshippers:- For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to turn off the cameras red-eye reduction feature.

Women drivers. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it note showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green.

Also, add "Green = GO. NOW!"

Oh, and ladies, if you adjust that little makeup mirror on the windshield just so, you can see behind you!

When a friend says to you; "would you like to smell my pants?" -kindly refuse

Accept any and all offers of free booze no matter whence they originate.

And never complain about the quality of free beer. That's one that I tend to break.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

FLATMATES. Take a picture of yourself naked and looking surprised and pin it on your bathroom door. That way if anyone bursts in on you they won't get a shocking surprise.

Today's five dollar word: whence (= from where)

I still use 'whence' in conversations? Is it considered bad form? You've got me in the mood to have a good rant about the lack of correct grammar and poor enunciation .

Don't get me started.

Create your own sauna by climbing naked into a wardrobe with a couple of strangers, occasionally throwing water over a one bar electric fire.

What? You can't get anyone you actually know to do that with you?

Here's a tip. Stay the fook outta me yard if ya want ta keep ya frisbees.