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falling off a star

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  #1  
Old 01-06-2005, 04:33 PM
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falling off a star
Falling Off A Star

we're falling off a star
the door is now ajar
imbued with many words
they're flying 'round like birds
we're diving down through space
as if life is a race
your heavy marbles drop
scar bottom to the top
all utterances slip
as light as feathers rip
more empty minds fly by
no door 'tween you and i
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  #2  
Old 01-06-2005, 04:53 PM
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Re: falling off a star
good stuff

i like it
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  #3  
Old 01-06-2005, 06:36 PM
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Re: falling off a star
thanks man
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Old 01-06-2005, 06:39 PM
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Re: falling off a star
do you got anymore
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  #5  
Old 01-06-2005, 06:43 PM
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Re: falling off a star
i'll look for some more theyre on my computer but right now i cant find the folder theyre in
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Old 01-06-2005, 06:51 PM
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Re: falling off a star
leaves of orange, brown, and red
a yellow haze of autumn
summer has come and gone again
fall is here at last
leaves flutter to the ground
soon shall come the winter
the trees naked
the leaves dead
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Old 01-06-2005, 07:16 PM
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Thumbs down Re: falling off a star
Should have quit while you were ahead
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Old 01-06-2005, 07:21 PM
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Re: falling off a star
yeah the first one was lot better
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  #9  
Old 01-06-2005, 07:25 PM
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Re: falling off a star
The first one was alright, but as always, the rhyming seems really really forced...but still decent.
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Old 01-06-2005, 07:30 PM
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Re: falling off a star
its really hard to ryhme a poem
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:26 PM
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Re: falling off a star
yea i dont really like the second one myself actually
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Old 01-08-2005, 01:13 PM
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Re: falling off a star
The ryming does sound forced, you should try not ryming and give the poem a sort of secret if you know what I mean. You should put more feeling into it. Don 't mean to rag on you and stuff, just trying to help a fellow poet!
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Old 01-08-2005, 06:52 PM
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Re: falling off a star
yea i get what you're saying, thanks cindy
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Old 01-08-2005, 07:20 PM
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Re: falling off a star
show de bola
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Old 01-08-2005, 07:31 PM
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Re: falling off a star
your welcome, glad I could help!!
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