A Poem of Mine

This is actually a song, since I have music for it...but here it is as requested by Dark Side of Oz

Get up and walk to me
Across a sea of forks and knives
With an oink oink here, an oink oink there
Squealing like a stuck pig
Choking on your hair

The next hundred miles
Get up and walk to me
Can't you read my mouth?
Can you seal my lips?
With a broken smile underlying
In your devilish hips?

Can you put me to sleep?
Are you helping me eat?
Like a candle melts by its own heat
Are you eating me alive
Like you stung me in my own hive

Hey, that's pretty good. You've exceeded my expectations!

Actually, that's quite insightful.

Nice work.

I'll be honest...it's pretty decent. Better than I expected.

Good poem ol' boy.

Not bad... not bad..

Bits of it sound like haphazard images strung together based solely on ambiguity and end rhyme.

Which parts particularly?

By the way, I wrote that poem in about 2 minutes after I said to this girl randomly "oink oink here, oink oink there" and decided that would sound cool in a song...

E.g. the lines:

Choking on your own hair
[...]
In your devilish hips
[...]
Like a candle melts by its own heat
[...]
Like you stung me in my own hive

All stick out for one reason or another-- some because the image in incongruous with the images surrounding it (try building a conceit; it strengthens the imagery and also keeps you away from mixing metaphors), others because the language is awkward or clangy, with no evident attention to sound other than end rhyme (think meter, consonance, assonance, & c.). And, while you state that this is a song, and therefore not necessarily intended for the printed page, I'd also like to suggest that, when constructing a line, you consider enjambment so that your poem doesn't merely look like a series of images, each with its own line, placed next to one another. This can also affect how the piece is read, both visually and aurally. Consider the work of Denise Levertov or Scott Cairns for examples.

Wow...thank you. I really do appreciate your advice.

I am the world's benefactor.

But overall do you think it's okay?

I think that before I'm ready to give it my blessing, I'd need to have a strong feeling one way or t'other as to what it might be about, other than in broad strokes.

Damn you.