another rambling creation

Peace

Begging for peace
a young man shuffles his feet
Gone are the fiery eyes
and pickup rides
the broken smile left him today
Maybe he'll get it back someday

The young man's headed east
Into the land of final deeds
His head is in the way
And his eyes have grown gray

Now the killings begun
Down goes the screaming sun
Blood flows like the Nile
While the dogs kill the rest
Far away and in bloody piles
Nobody passes the test

He hears none of their cries
Peace is his only cry
Eden is where his body lays
Don't you know the garden's here today?

Remember the mountains and the dunes
The blue sea and ocean floor
There in the garden somewhere
With him floating in the air

The songs of Brigadoon
The tales of Mt. Doom
it's all in there somewhere
with peace floating in the air.

I enjoyed it. I am always jealous of those who can rhyme successfully .

But overall I enjoyed it...there seemed to be a message going on in the first 2/3rds, but it got lost later on...or I just wasn't reading that closely. I suppose that's where the "rambling" comes in, eh?

Good effort!

Hey that's pretty good. Some of the rhyming is kind of generic (i.e. today/someday, way/gray, rest/test) but it sounds pretty okay.

7/10.

Oh, I like that. Nice work.