I'm angry and I don't know why..

I suppose this could've gone under the 'are you happy?' but it's not the fact I'm unhappy, I'm angry.

I dunno whats wrong with me, school is almost out I'm gonna go to college..the weather is looking up, my girlfriend is the best thing to happen to me..I think.

I think it all goes back to her, the past weeks she's been queen of mixed signals, I do so much shit for this girl and I don't get anything in return. Sure she cares about me, and all that, but I never get the satisfaction of knowing what I do is appreciated and that everything is gonna be ok. She's going to collge too, and we wont be together. All I've heard now is "I wanna get drunk" comming from a straightedge girl, who I quit smoking and drinking for is kinda sketchy. Yesterday we were talking bout our friends relationships, and she said it was dumb for someone to tell another person that they cant see other people, just because person A doesn't want them to..whats up with that? I also playfully poked her and said all I was looking for was some love and attention, she replied with: I think your gonna have to look elsewhere for that. WTF people?

I'm tired of my friends, tired of most everything- "tired of screwing up, tired of bein down, tired of myself, and tired of this town" puts it nicely. I wanna leave and go on to college, but the thing is we and this girl based our schools on relative closeness to eachother. Her parents are paying her way, I gotta work for mine. It just seems worthless to make this girl happy if she's just gonna find someone else to make her happy, friends-dating-serious relationship, whatever, I'm not down. I've cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had in my life but this one, and if I wanted I could everyday without her knowing. I just dunno anymore. I never really got it when people said they were on the edge...well I'm there, and all I need is a gentle breeze to knock me off. Last night I dreamt I was in a dark tunnel falling, and I almost got to the end when all I could hear was screaming, and I could feel my stomach start to burn, I woke up and thought about it. I thought I might actually have been falling off my edge, and if I kept going...might've woken up in a better place. Think you could really do that? Literally drive yourself over the edge?

I just dont understand it, this girl makes my day...my life, she honestly makes me happy with who I am and where I'm going, but I'm not happy. I've thrown it to the fact I'm bipolar and this is a really low point right now, but it's never been like this. I dunno who to talk to, I can't talk to my parents- my father is deaf, and my mother is going through ANOTHER bad divorce. My friends all tell me to dump her so I'll stay here with them, but I don't wanna stay, I'd leave and go somewhere without her. I can't talk to anybody at school cause you know how highschool is, and talking to a teacher or cousullor is outta the question because 3/5 of her local relatives work at the school. And if I talked to her, we'd fight, like always, things would be said that we didnt mean, and yea... I dunno.

I've thought about it, it's not the sex I care about, or the compainionship, or the way we fit together perfectly, I honestly love this girl. I care about her well being, health, her emotional states, I take care of her when she's sick, get here whatever she wants, always look out for her interests, and make sure I stay outta trouble cause I'm on strike 2.9, all I need to do is jay walk and I'm fucked.

Sometimes I just get the feeling that she doesnt need and want me as much as I do her. I want to be happy, but I want her to be happy even more...I just dunno what to do anymore

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Evidence it once exist
At some point in time
But with no visible proof
It was ever really there...