Stuff I can say at work...

Simon · #1 02-11-2006, 10:07 PM

.... that might get you arrested if you tried it on someone on the street

Ok, been in a pissy mood. Horrible week - lost 4 kids (out of 5) at the hospital. Then some stories (which I posted). So I figured I'd share some humour or I'll simply go to pieces.

Try these on! I'm going to school to become a nurse. Here's stuff I say regularly, but I think would be highly inappropriate if someone else tried it out on the street...

1. I have to stick this up your rectum (Enema)
2. I need some of your urine (sample)
3. I'm going to take some of your blood (sample)
4. Breathe this in and hold it (perfusion therapy/asthma therapy)
5. You have to swallow it (pills)
6. I'm going to tie you down, its for your own good (restraints/surgery)
7. We'll inject this into your body, and then take some pictures (radiography)
8. Ma'am, i'm going to examine your breasts (lumps and nodes)
9. I'm going to rub this into your bottom (enema)
10. I didnt like his heart rhythm, so i shocked him (cardioversion)
11. "Spread open your legs so I can insert this " (foley catheter)
12. Bend over as far as possible so we can check you out better. (physical exam)
13. I have to stick this up your rectum and I want you to hold onto it for as long as you can stand it, the longer you hold it the better it works. (enema)
14. "Do you want to do it in the chair, or in the bed?" (Giving a patient a bath)
15. "Come on, Harry--get it up for me one more time!!!Pleeease??" (using an incentive spirometer)
16. "I'm going to go down on you one more time and get you all sucked out." (suctioning a trach tube)
17. "You've got great nipples" (teaching a new mom about nursing the infant)

Things my patients have taught me not to do...

#425

Don't sample your mother-in-law's m.s. contin by crushing and snorting it the afternoon of her funeral because a co-worker offered you $10.00 a tab and told you"Try it-It's a great high". When your respirations drop and you can't put a complete sentence together don't get pizzed at your wife for "over-reacting" and calling 911. She did just loose her mother. Dumb@$$ ...

#12

Don't walk across the ER parking lot, smoking (a non-smoking campus), and right before the front door, stoop over and do the 'kidney stone' walk. (camera - DUH,

). THEN don't be mad when we refuse you pain meds after you give us a urine specimen with blood on the outside from where you poked your finger... and then you ask another nurse for a bandaid.....

#142

Never use a rubber band and Saran Wrap as a condom (I can't imagine the dude that wore this). Otherwise, the act of sex can push this invention where the sun doesn't shine.

#456

Those NO SMOKING signs up all over the place DO SO mean you, especially if you have nasal cannulae on blowing 3 litres of O2 up your nose. Trust me, the facial and cervical burns you'll get will be nothing compared to the potential explosion of your backpack concentrator.

Also, two friends, a case of beer, and a chainsaw are not a good mix for chopping wood.

And now, a few contributions from my friends:

1.Never piss that ER nurse off "before" she has started your IV.....for some reason....it makes us contemplate all the reasons he/she should place a 14 or 16 G versus the 22G we had in our hand......before you opened your mouth. (22G is a smaller bore needle. Lower the number, thicker the needle)

2.Dont even waste your breath by saying" I have NO IDEA how that (animal / object/ substance) got in my body cavity"....while trying to fake complete confusion...no ones gonna believe it so dont waste time out of both of our lives by it.

3.If you are bitten by a snake and go to the ER....kill the D*** snake before you stuff it in the shoe box to bring to the ER for identification to receive the correct antivenom/tx.Both the snake and the ED staff tend to "not" be too happy when the shoe box lid is popped off.

4. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER stand in front of your brand new homemade cataupult.

5. Never use a oral thermometer to sexually stimulate yourself and accidently push it up into your bladder and then swear "I swallowed it, I swear I did, It just slid right down my throat when I was trying to take my temperature".

6. Do not use your vibrator at night when you have a roomate. Said roommate may insist she hears wasps and end up with a Psych consult.

7. Never, ever, ever bite a dog, or anything else with sharper teeth than you have.

8. If you have been been seen for a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and received prescriptions and Pyridium, you probably also were given instructions to avoid intercourse. This includes receiving oral sex, since Pyridium will, apparently, render your partner's tongue numb. Should you decide to proceed anyway, try not to be in a tent 100+ miles from the nearest hospital or clinic.

9. If you are having an MRI done, we REALLY need to know about those "personal" piercings.

10. Crisco, believe it or no, is not a good cure for vaginal dryness.

I love ER because of stupid people tricks, I can't make up the stuff people show up for. Either way life nor work are ever dull.
Stupid people = job security

Untill next time

Botley · #2 02-12-2006, 12:07 PM

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!! I'm tearing up laughing so hard, that's effing hilarious... especially the "swarm of wasps" tic, my God! Way to go Simon!

Simon · #3 02-12-2006, 02:43 PM

Glad you liked it. Sometimes I think only my friends and I can see the humour in them.

People refuse to believe me when I tell them these stories - they just can't comprehend that people as stupid as the ones listed actually exist.

Makes me wonder sometimes how these jokers ever managed to outlive puberty

Lily · #4 02-12-2006, 07:14 PM

Quote:

5. Never use a oral thermometer to sexually stimulate yourself and accidently push it up into your bladder and then swear "I swallowed it, I swear I did, It just slid right down my throat when I was trying to take my temperature".

the whole thing made my day!! freakin funny!!

Two-Headed Boy · #5 02-12-2006, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Botley

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

I doubt your actually rolling on the floor laughing your fucking ass off.

Simon, some of those were pretty funny...others I didn't quite get (like never put a GG49 in a SS99292 on a monday! haha!). But, yeah. I read all of it. Thanks for that.

Botley · #6 02-13-2006, 10:20 AM

Well that's just, like, your opinion man.

Driven · #7 02-16-2006, 10:56 AM

Unfortunately there are no amusing anecdotes that come from working where I do.

About as funny as falling off a cliff!

Simon · #8 06-16-2006, 02:37 PM

Here's some more

"Just let your legs fall open and relax, your gonna feel a touch now." (assisting with a pelvic)

"If I stroke it, it comes up faster." (Explaining to a plasma donor why I was stroking his vein to make it pop out)

"When was the last time you had sex?" (seems pretty benign, but try asking a complete stranger that question)

"When this hits the back of your throat, you need to swallow" (Inserting an NG tube)

Do not use a chain saw alone. That should be enough. But then don't continue to use said chain saw alone after hitting a knot and cutting your leg wide open. Do not "just finish up this cord of wood" as you will lose much blood and get much debris in wound. The resulting irrigation and debris removal is pretty darn uncomfortable, even with Lidocaine.

If by chance you do cocaine and end up with an errection that won't go away, don't wait until day four to seek medical attention for said errection. Just trust me on this one....

Dental floss is NOT the best way to get rid of an ugly mole

When soap and water doesn't remove the pen ink from your toddler's skin, don't try bleach, then lighter fluid, then PineSol.

(This one just pissed me off. Other than the large welt on her leg, she turned out ok though. But it just proved that her Dad was an asshat)

If a heavy can of peas falls on your child's head, don't drop it on your own head 4-5 times "to see how much it hurt her". You might end up with a bit of a headache.

Do not drive to your doctors office with your bleeding arm out the window of your truck just so you don't get blood on the seats.

DO NOT use a sling shot to fling walnuts when you and your buddy have been drinking all day. You may end up with your eye on your cheek and require surgery. BUT if you decide to do this, don't do this with the guy who had a similar injury about a year prior. The ophthalmologist WILL remember he took care of your buddy at the time of his injury.

Don't even bother asking for a refill of your sleep med because your teenage daughter took 80 of them (in the same day) and now you only have 10 left. (Seriously. What the hell were you thinking?)

- Eating half a roll of toilet paper on a dare WILL cause a bowel obstruction

- Don't let your father (who has Congestive Heart Failure) eat Chinese as he might end up on a vent after nearly drowning on his own fluids.

- When your wife comes into the hospital after a motor vehicle accident, it's fine to insist she needs her psych meds for a history of severe anxiety and bipolar, but the nurse cannot get a med ordered if you only remember it as "that little white pill 4 x a day" and don't remember the name of it. Don't keep insisting she needs her "little white pill" until you get the med list. There's lots of little white pills, unless you want me to guess - and I won't, because I value my job more than I value your stupidity.

- Don't put a put a 4 inch hard plastic ball in a dark place - very difficult to remove, even with the aid of the vacuum extractor from labour ward.

- Don't put plaster of paris in a dark place either - it sets hard and you end up with a colostomy. (Pt got this idea of the net) After you have your colostomy reversed months later don't proceed to pour expanding foam filler in same dark place. It really does expand and you end up with a colostomy for a longggggg time! and it really annoys the surgeon having to repeat the same type of surgery late at night.

- Don't take your father's computer chair out on to the road and then get your friends to push it down the hill with you sitting on it - you end up with a few broken bones! (eleven year old boys - boys will be boys I guess).

Untill later folks

Simon · #9 07-12-2006, 04:18 AM

A few contributions from my friends:

- Don't try to defraud the insurance company by pouring gas in your house and light a cigarette while you and your wife and child are still in the room.

- Don't come the ER triage desk fully dressed with your wife and child with third degree circumferential burns to over 80% over yours and their bodies reeking of gasoline and say the house caught on fire while you were sleeping. You might not be believed and the police will be very interested as will DSS

- When you smoke marijuana don't come to the ER saying you feel funny.

- When you are told that there will be minimum of 3-4 hours before you will be seen in the ER, don't think the triage nurse was only kidding and start yelling after 15 minutes that you were not seen yet for your rash that you have had for three weeks.

- Don't jump out of a moving vehcle because you are mad at your boyfriend. It hurts when you land and you might get run over by the vehicle behind your car.

Oh And if you have crotch itch, please don't apply Icy-Hot. You'll end up with a major case of blue balls!

cheers,

Simon · #10 07-22-2006, 03:12 AM

Here are some contributions from my collegues:

Stuff we can say at work....

* Hey Betty, your turn, I blew him twice already! (throat suctioning)
* While doing venipuncture I said "You'll feel a little prick" the female patient goes "I had a big one last night".
* Don't worry, I have small fingers and lots of lube (inserting supp)
* No you can't leave, I'll tie you down if you try it again

Things our patients have taught us:

* Do not get drunk and then decide to sneak into your neighbor's back yard at night for a swim ... jump off the diving board and THEN discover your neighbor was having the pool cleaned and it was empty.
* Don't clean an electrical light... while it's plugged in AND turned on... with water... while drinking.
* If you're gonna get breast implants, don't let the incision become infected and if it does don't let it become a wound large enough for the implant to fall out of and if it does happen to fall out please don't wait 2 more weeks before coming to the hospital.

Untill later folks

AnimalInTheWall · #11 07-29-2006, 08:51 PM

I can't say any of that at work.

Simon · #12 08-27-2006, 11:53 PM

Some more contributions from my colleagues::
Things my patients have taught me NOT to do ----

When you catch a shark and want to show it to your friends, it’s a really good idea to make sure it is dead first.

Saying your allergic to “a blue pill” does not narrow it down all that much.

When you stab a police officer, then wind up in the same ER with him, a better course of action would be to not say anything to him. When you say threatening things, the nurse taking care of you will bring other police officers, (A.K.A, his friends), into the room for her safety. Then again, you just might enjoy the 4 pairs of hand cuffs a bit on the snug side.

Ever see a salt water, gaff sail, catfish? They have really long, sharp, slimy, serrated spines. Don’t toss it to your wife.

Don’t hit on the nurse that is helping your wife deliver your baby. Don’t give her your phone number. Be rest assured, she will not be impressed by how smooth you are. (Actually happened to an L n D friend of mine.)

Never let your 17 your old child with the intellectual ability of a 3 year old due to CP drive a go-cart capable of speeds over 40mph. The helmet will really not help all that much.

Don’t take the spending money that the “Make A Wish” foundation gave you to take your 8 year old child with AML on his dream Disney cruise and use it for a coke binge the night before the ship sets sail. You will over sleep, he will be heartbroken, H.R.S. will take your child from you, and the entire world will still hate you for….. going on 7 years now.

We ER nurses find it hilariously ironic when you bring your child to the ER, scream at us over things far beyond our control and then tell us that you are paying our salaries when we can simply look at the face sheet and see that you have Medicaid. If you are going to make such bold observations, please purchase a private insurance policy before hand instead of referring to one that WE actually pay for.

When making crude, speculatory comments about the promiscuity of a nurse in your native tongue, it’s a good idea to ensure that the very American looking nurse you are loudly referring to is not more fluent in your language than you are.

Never drunkenly bet someone that they can’t knock you out in one punch.

Learn to distinguish between jelly beans and hearing aids. Hearing aides are more difficult to chew and are more expensive to replace.

Don't waste my time. Cut right to it. It will save both you and I time and will either improve your experience or shorten your stay! (Example: I am allergic to morphine, codeine, aspirin, tylenol, demerol, toradol, ibuprofen, all NSAID's, stadol, vistaril, compazine, reglan) Just say I need Dilaudid and I need it now! May not get it, but I will respect your honesty

Don't call me a f****** B****, you don't even know me. It doesn't start the relationship off on a high note

If you kiss a copperhead, don't seem shocked if it bites you. I'm not.

Don't pick up iguanas that happen to "just walking down the road" for a closer look.

Don't act all shocked that the Snickers bars that were placed in the vagina (for your SO's snacking pleasure?) are melting now.

Don't turn the kitchen spray nozzle on that grease fire. It will spread. It will sometimes catch your clothes on fire. It is bad.

Don't act all offended that the nice paramedic vomits in your presence - if you haven't cleaned you or your house in years and your abdominal wound has become home to fly larvae.

Don't guess if the weapon is loaded. All guns are loaded until proven otherwise. Act accordingly.

Don't take too many Midol. Sure, cramps are bad - but an aspirin OD can be fatal.

Don't call the fire department if you are locked out of your house. We do not have a key to your house. But, I do know how to break a window.

Don't keep taking the bandage off to "look at it". If I bandaged it because it was pouring/spurting blood and you keep taking it off to "look" I will become upset (especially if the blood gets on me).

Untill later folks

AnimalInTheWall · #13 08-28-2006, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simon

Don't keep taking the bandage off to "look at it"

AnimalInTheWall · #14 09-01-2006, 04:07 PM

"Would you like whipped cream on those?'

pinkfloydstarr · #15 09-01-2006, 04:53 PM

i like the first one
"i have to stick this up your rectum"

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Stuff I can say at work...

Just babbling...