How to Disappear Completely (ITAOT)

I always thought this Radiohead song would fit on ITAOT...it expresses something that I feel like I can hear on the album. I would place it right before "Comfortably Numb"--it feels like it has the musical power to fit, not to mention some interesting things in the lyrics. It ALSO does a tremendous job of getting into someone's head. There are three people it reminds me of, but I chose one for the purpose of this story--I thought it would be the most effective.

Parts come from an experience of my own--certain feelings and reactions. So it is NOT completely in character--even though I dare say some of these things MIGHT be similar enough to serve.

(Therefore, the verses are NOT of my design, for those of you who might not be familiar with the band...I don't want credit for the parts I didn't write!)

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HOW TO DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY

The state of shock is an interesting one. It's been so long--and I am still in shock. I don't know what happened, really...I perceive it all in fragments of anguish. That is what the mind does when confronted by something it doesn't want to deal with. Maybe it's a defence mechanism for the psyche. I don't like it. //That there, that's not me...//

//I go where I please...// But this person is trapped here in this moment--he cannot go where he pleases. He cannot escape. It feels like someone else going through the motions. How it got that way--I didn't mean to let it. I know it was certainly not all my fault. Every signal misfired. Everything I did to try to please simply backfired. Regardless of what anyone thinks, I never asked for this. I will never buy into the position that some people are meant to be led around. There is a difference between a choice not to lead, and a choice to follow wordlessly. Unfortunately I think sometimes people don't see the difference--not in the least because perhaps I should've spoken up.

Maybe graciousness looked like complaisance. I suppose I can see that. And who knows? Maybe I misunderstood things, too. Maybe such directness was never meant to hurt. Tough love, so to speak. Though I can't help stinging from the unbridled anger. Of course, I was angry too. I can't let myself forget that, or I will become consumed with hatred. I am not about to do that to myself.

//I walk through walls, I flow down the Liffey...// I wish I could walk through that wall on the stage...I would tell everything--though I am not sure how I would put it. How do you explain something so internal in a way that others will understand and not simply laugh at you? //I'm not here, this isn't happening...// The sense of unreality is palpable. No one knows...here behind our wall the true situation remains hidden. In a way, I want it that way--the press is a harsh judge indeed that only knows, once having found the knife, to twist it further until you bleed. But in another way--I hate being hidden! I hate this sense that we are only playing out a charade. I am good at holding in pain--but I don't like it at all. I might as well not exist, to deny my self in this way. //I'm not here...I'm not here...//

Why did I agree to this? I suppose I felt there was something I could accomplish, even now. I certainly don't feel it in this moment. Futility writ large--in the form of a cardboard-brick wall. //In a little while, I'll be gone...the moment's already passed; yeah, it's gone...// I already feel it setting in--the numbness. This thing was already burned into existence beforehand--signed and sealed. No way to return.

My fingers tap out a high sequence of notes--for a second I smile, for the pain is carried away in the notes. I remember why I liked this so much--how beautifully soothing to me, and how amazing to hear the songs in my mind take flight! It sounds like the old style...I like the way it sounds, against this dark, terrible background, climbing and playing among the chords. I doubt anyone notices, though, but me. //And I'm not here...this isn't happening! I'm not here...I'm not here...//

Yet I feel crushed by the immensity of what we are doing. All these trappings, that only serve to hide the truth of the matter. The WALL itself...the giant puppets that dance on their strings at the bidding of their masters in the lofts... //Strobe lights and blown speakers...fireworks and hurricanes...// So tremendous--it is beautiful, of course...I cannot help but be impressed by the orchestration of this, to really see these visions come to life. The pain does not take away my wonderment. And perhaps that is an encouraging sign. But conversely...my wonderment does not take away my pain.

//I'm not here, this isn't happening! I'm not here...I'm not here!// I close my eyes for a second, for there is no one to see it. But something happens--I suddenly feel so in tune with the moment, with the music around me...it is almost like an out-of-body experience, to create a work that will reverberate through this hall, even through time itself...something that will survive me. It is truly beautiful...I smile. Wordlessly I put everything of my experience into the music, and how it rings in the air around us all! It soars and dips around me, leaving its particular mark upon the structures laid before it. Though there is pain--there is joy as well, at the creation of it. This is why I became a musician, for that marvel.

Now I know why I came. It was for this moment. It is painful--I will be gone and they will not know, maybe not even take note when it does become clear. But in this moment...I know I shall leave them something beautiful. It is for them, certainly--a gift. But it is also for me. This is the power--the strength of our souls that we pour out without words. It enfolds us in joy. This is what it's all for. Listen...

__________________
"And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again..."

WrightSatellite #1